gothicangelred

I wonder? I will wonder. Nothing is solid, not my skill nor my talent.  Life is solid. Survival is solid . Where i lay to rest is my best. Not! Like the horrows of the past, but as a liver of the future. Will i wake and be? Sieze the day!!! Or !!!Or!!!!will i just give up-the loser i am-and say screw it. Death to one thought or a new dream creates another one? Does it really matter ? I ask so much. No answeewrs ever.

A wonderful day! I'm 41 and still learning about myself-just when you think- you know someone. I give; all i got, even when the deck is stacked. How does the heart have to meet with the mind?, especially when times are tough.I asked  myself today,
 When will this all end ? I never get an answer.
But! through all the tough times-the struggle with myself-the adversity of others- I have no choice , other than seeking the truth. Is it the truth that bothers me or is it dealing with the truth that bothers me? I seek no more! A new philosophy has emerged in me. Just live! Live my life and worry no more.

Welp, its been seven days since my last binge. Remarkably, its been easy - since i have avoided all my friends - not to blast myself into intoxication. On top of that, i've been meditating and believing in myself.  Me! Not drinking! Believing in myself!  Being a little more focused! Wow!!! - What a realization! As a matter of fact, why even dwell or loath on the subject. And  what is the subject at hand? Hmmm? - Oh! - I remember now. Avoiding my friends because they encourage drunkenness; because they are functional drunks - i'm not. What will i do? How can i keep avoidance up? I've used up all my excuses. Will i have to level with them? Will i hurt their feelings? I don't know.

Even though i show no smile. Even if, there is a past that holds me back!? Still i sit, gaining energy. Reconcilliation?---Why even think about it--- i leave the past behind.  Short and sweet, undaunting, and simple--my new life-- I live.

Sitting , once again, above a torrent. Thoughts trapped in a circle of destruction. Where is the escape, i hoped for ? Sadness sets in, again. Here i sit once again, alone, with myself, reliving the past. How i wish i could let go, of the past/ sometimes a question/ ,but merely a statement ,lately. Above, is a torrent, thats incessantly dragging me down. How i wish, my fellow angels will cut the strings, that bind me. Until the bonds are not severed, i suppose, i have no choice, except, to remain tied.